she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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