just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
