"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
