you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
