All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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