my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You took a bar mat shot.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
