If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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