I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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