Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
