finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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