all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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