we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
