I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
