remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
