he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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