she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
