the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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