I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
