omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
