the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's never too late to be topless.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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