The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
