I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
