I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
