The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
