This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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