It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
