I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
