There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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