I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
