If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Never joke about your clitoris.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
