hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
