i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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