Don't make out with my wife yet
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
