I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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