The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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