Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
