Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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