How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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