I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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