Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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