if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
