how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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