i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
