Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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