Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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