she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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