Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
