Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
