Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
