how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
