I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can I color on your dick again?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
